NORMAL
FREAKS
a 10-minute play
by
Meagan Bateman
SETTING
Present day. Off to stage right are two
tables with chairs, representing a café. The tables are not very far apart from
each other. Rory will sit at one table and George at the other during the play,
with the other actors coming on stage throughout the play.
ACT ONE
Scene One
(RORY walks on stage from left and
looks around for a moment, seeing GEORGE sitting at one table reading a book,
then she sits down at the other table. She sits for a moment, then gets out her
phone and checks it before she addresses the audience.)
RORY
I’m waiting on my date. It’s a blind
date. I met him online, and he told me his name was Tony. Seemed normal online,
you know. Funny thing about online is, you can make yourself into whoever you
want. I’ve learned my lesson, see. “Expect a freak” has basically become my
motto. It’s like I have a bat signal that calls for all the losers in the area
to come find me and tell me all of their troubles.
(GEORGE
stands and goes over to a “coffee
stand”.)
Just wait, you’ll see what I mean.
(RORY
gets her purse and begins rummaging
through
it, not seeming to find what she is looking for.)
I told him he would know me because I’d
be the nerd reading a book, but typical me left my book in the car.
(RORY
stands up and walks off stage to
get her book. A moment later, she
walks back on
stage
as GEORGE is finishing fixing his coffee. As
he
turns around to walk back to his table, they run
into
each other.)
Geez, I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying any
attention.
GEORGE
No, no, it’s my fault. I shouldn’t be
reading while I’m walking. Bad habit I guess.
(RORY
holds us her own book.)
RORY
You’re not the only one.
(GEORGE laughs.)
GEORGE
Good to know.
(GEORGE
smiles at RORY and they stand
awkwardly
for a moment.)
RORY
Well, sorry again.
GEORGE
No, it’s totally fine.
(RORY
and GEORGE sit down at opposite tables.
RORY
begins reading again GEORGE tries to read,
but
is obviously distracted by RORY.)
GEORGE
Hey, I don’t mean to be nosy, but I couldn’t
help noticing you’re reading Alas, Babylon. It’s one of my favorites.
RORY
Really? Most people don’t even know
what it is.
GEORGE
Crazies. It’s such a classic. Like the
music they play here.
RORY
I do love this music. They knew how
write music to make you love life back in the ‘40’s.
GEORGE
Agreed. Songs like these take me back
to my swing dancing days. I’m George, by the way.
RORY
Rory.
GEORGE
Pleasure meeting you. So… do you come
here to read often?
RORY
No, I’m just here on a date.
GEORGE
Oh. Right. A date.
RORY
He should be here any minute.
GEORGE
Right. Of course. I’ll let you get back
to waiting on him then.
(RORY
sees the dejected look on GEORGE’s face
and
offers a smile.)
RORY
It was really nice talking to you.
GEORGE
You too. Good luck on your… date.
(GEORGE
sighs as RORY turns back to her book,
then
he picks up his book and begins to read
himself.
RORY addresses the audience after a
moment.)
RORY
I probably shouldn’t be doing this. Going
on this date, I mean. You’d think I’d have had my fill by now of weirdos. But
maybe this time, I’ll get lucky and get someone normal.
(TONY walks onstage, sees RORY’s book,
and walks over to her table.)
TONY
Rory?
RORY
Rory. You
must be Tony.
(TONY sits down in the chair next to
her.)
RORY
So, you
work in retail, right?
TONY
We’ll say
that, sure.
RORY
Oh. Is there a better description of
what you do?
TONY
Well what I do doesn’t really matter.
It’s who I’m running from that really matters.
RORY
…Running
from?
TONY
Satan is
following me.
(TONY
stares at RORY after making this comment,
smiling.)
RORY
Satan.
TONY
You know
him?
RORY
I’ve heard the name once or twice. But
when you say Satan, you mean Satan Satan?
Or are we being metaphorical here?
TONY
Metaphors
are Satan’s access into the soul, Rory. Be careful with your words.
RORY
So this is…
a literal Satan.
TONY
I suppose
if we’re going to get technical, it’s not Satan.
(RORY
laughs nervously)
RORY
I get it
now. My boss can be a real pain and sometimes he reminds me of -
TONY
It’s his
demons.
(RORY
speaks slowly when she responds.)
RORY
…Demons. Satan’s
demons.
TONY
They’re everywhere, Rory. They follow
us around, waiting to snatch our souls and eat our brains. But we can’t let
them! I’ve been running from demons my whole life.
RORY
You don’t
say.
TONY
But I’m smarter than them. Yessiree,
I’ve eluded them for years. Wanna know how?
(RORY
doesn’t respond, but TONY keeps talking
anyways.)
I stay
homeless.
RORY
Homeless.
TONY
Being homeless is the way to go. Keeps
the demons on their toes. I just jump from one friend’s couch to another, never
staying in the same house more than one night at a time.
RORY
And how
long have you been doing this, again?
TONY
Years! We can’t let the demons win,
Rory! But it’s okay, I don’t want you to worry. I’ve asked all my regular
friends, and they’re fine with you sleeping on their couch with me.
RORY
I think I
need a drink…
TONY
Oh, good
idea! Getting drunk is another way to keep the demons away.
(TONY stands and walks offstage. RORY
turns to the audience again and begins talking to them.)
RORY
See what I
mean? Bat symbol. Or demon symbol, in this case.
GEORGE
He sounded
like a keeper.
(RORY
addresses GEORGE.)
RORY
A real
winner. We obviously have so much in common.
GEORGE
Granted he may not be as big of a fan
of books as you are, but I’m sure you could find books about satanic legends
for him and he’d be happy.
RORY
I think Tony and I are soul mates. I’ve
always wanted to travel and move a lot. I figured I’d be going a little farther
than from one friend’s house to another, but you can’t be picky in today’s day
and age.
GEORGE
Maybe. Or maybe you just haven’t bumped
into the right guy yet.
(When
RORY doesn’t respond, GEORGE turns
back
to his book. RORY then turns back to the
audience.)
RORY
Tony was every girl’s dream. Sadly, he
and I just didn’t work out. I just wasn’t the right girl for him, I guess. Oh
well. There are plenty more fish in the sea. Really, really weird fish…
(ANDREW
walks on stage, carrying two
drinks.
Sits one down in front of RORY, then sits
down
in the chair next to her.)
ANDREW
One glass
of wine for the lady.
RORY
Thank you, Andrew.
ANDREW
Please,
call me James.
RORY
James?
ANDREW
My middle name. But a better fit for me.
My parents hate it that I go by my middle name, but you’ve got to look out for you, you know?
RORY
Yeah, I
guess so. I should go by my middle name. I mean, who names their kid
Rory,
right? It’s more of a guy’s name than -
ANDREW
Right, yeah, that’s interesting. So, what do you want to know?
Right, yeah, that’s interesting. So, what do you want to know?
RORY
About what?
ANDREW
About me, of course. I mean, that’s
what this thing’s about, right? You finding out all about me.
RORY
I thought
it was about us finding out about each other.
ANDREW
Nah, that’s
boring. So ask away.
RORY
Um.
ANDREW
Well, let’s see. I’m young. I’m filthy
rich. I’m so handsome it should be illegal, obviously. I’m –
(RORY
turns to the audience and says the next line
to
them.)
RORY
Oh I know
this one! Narcissistic.
ANDREW
I’m
perfect, really.
(ANDREW
laughs loudly and annoyingly. RORY
shifts
in her chair uncomfortably.)
RORY
Okay… so, how did you get so filthy
rich?
ANDREW
My dad owns
toilet paper.
RORY
…Toilet
paper?
ANDREW
Yeah, he has a toilet paper company.
You’d be surprised how much money there is in toilet paper. Anyways, we’re like
millionaires.
RORY
So you work
for your dad?
ANDREW
Gross. No.
They just give me money.
RORY
Wait, you
don’t actually work?
ANDREW
Wrennie –
RORY
Rory.
ANDREW
Yeah, whatever. Of course I work. I
work at being sexy. It’s a full-time job. You don’t get to look this good without a lot of work.
(RORY
looks out at the audience in response.)
If you’re worried, it’s completely
normal. Most women are intimidated by me. Well, most men as well, for that
matter. But you’re beautiful enough for me.
RORY
…Thanks.
ANDREW
If you weren’t, I wouldn’t have sat
down. I mean, not trying to be a jerk or anything, but can you imagine someone
like me dating an ugly woman? Please. But you seem fit. Do
you run? You look like a runner.
RORY
If I say no, will you get up and leave?
ANDREW
Yes.
RORY
Then no.
(ANDREW stands up and
salutes RORY, then
walks off stage. RORY
begins to talk to the
audience again.)
RORY
Are there any normal men left?!
(GEORGE smiles when he
hears this, puts down his
book and stands up, as
if he is about to walk over to
RORY’s table. Before he
can, MAN walks onto
stage dressed in a kilt
and walks over to RORY’s
table. MAN puts one leg up on the chair
and flashes a sexy smile at RORY. GEORGE shakes his head, then walks off stage.)
MAN
Well hello there.
RORY
No.
(MAN
puffs out his chest and looks out into the
audience “seductively”.)
MAN
You sure?
RORY
Leave.
(MAN shrugs, then walks
off stage. RORY looks
over to where GEORGE was
sitting and notices
he’s not there anymore.)
That’s it. I’m done. Maybe I’ll join a
nunnery or something. Seems easier than trying to meet a normal guy. At least a
normal guy that sticks around.
(RORY
stands up and gathers her purse and book,
beginning
to walk off stage. GEORGE comes
back
on stage, bumping into RORY again.
RORY
smiles broadly when she realizes it’s
GEORGE.)
GEORGE
Wow. Bumping into you twice has got to
be some kind of record for me. I should win an award.
(RORY
tries to appear calm, but her voice breaks as
RORY
Did you… forget something?
GEORGE
My book. I left my book on the table.
That’s all.
RORY
Oh. Right. Your book.
(GEORGE
grabs his book off the table and stands
awkwardly
for a moment, then begins to walk off
stage.)
RORY
Hey, wait. Before, back when you bumped
into me the first time. Did you say something about swing dancing?
(GEORGE
smiles and nods for RORY to follow
him.)
RORY
Maybe this time I’ve found my own kind
of freak.
(LIGHTS
fade to black. END OF PLAY.)
